Tracy Chapman, Serenity, and the Insidiousness of the Word "Should"

“There are years that question and years that answer,” Zora Neale Hurston is oft-quoted as having written in These Eyes are Watching God.

2024 is a year of milestones for me. I will turn 50. Ashvin and I will celebrate 25 years of marriage. We just marked 1 year since my dad’s passing. I have a kid who will be 21 years old... Milestone years beg for introspection. Pensive and a tad angsty, I find myself reflecting on successes long ago etched in stone and future goals yet to be transformed into accomplishments. Where has the time gone and how to capitalize on the time that remains to make some unyet realized dreams into reality. It may prove to be both a year that questions and a year that answers.

It was in this headspace that I watched Tracy Chapman’s reprisal her now 30 year old hit song “Fast Car” at the Grammy awards alongside young country musician Luke Combs. I was, quite simply, moved. I watched it over and over and tried to pinpoint the emotion the performance evoked. Nostalgia would have been rational, but it wasn’t quite that. It was something about her, about the way she carried herself with a sort of ethereal calm and strength. And then I got it. She was at peace. What I was witnessing was serenity. And when she sang the line, at the end of the second verse, “Me, myself, I got nothing to prove,” it felt like it encapsulated the sentiment perfectly. She just stood there wearing that serenity like a crown atop her gray locks. I felt it catch in my chest, the weight of that emotion simmering.

From https://pitchfork.com/news/watch-tracy-chapman-join-luke-combs-to-perform-fast-car-at-the-2024-grammys/

Me, myself, I too have got nothing to prove. And yet, a year and a half after leaving AbleTo, I’ve started to press myself to contemplate a next. Mostly I had just let myself be, a conscious effort to put aside future and just rest and enjoy the present. Free of expectation, I’ve filled my time with things that bring me joy, caring for myself, tending to my family, supporting people I like who are doing work I believe matters, things I want to do. As opposed to things people might think I should be doing.

But lately “should” has crept its way back into my vocabulary. And it got me thinking about these seemingly innocuous words and phrases we incorporate unconsciously and with shocking frequency into our daily vernacular. Words that, in fact, can be insidious and detrimental, like curse words, that I propose we banish altogether from our lexicon. Lately, I’ve been thinking about my favorite word to hate, should.

Like any other human for whom ambition and expectations have so long been the lifeblood, I fall prey to statements incorporating the word should. If crafty little statements like “I should do this” or “I should have said that” are uncomfortably familiar to you, well, you are not alone. In fact, “should” statements are well-recognized in the mental health literature and lingo to be classic cognitive distortions, or “thinking issues,” problematic statements that have the deceptive force of focusing on the perceived expectations of others, what you think others want you to be or want you to do, as opposed to what you want for yourself. These kinds of thoughts can leave us frustrated with ourselves, disappointed in others, and leave a wake of guilt and shame. It’s near impossible not to hear the evil whispers of expectation that should statements communicate.

Of course, the word should isn’t always terrible. Sometimes “I should” is a prompt to take a positive action, like going to the gym, making more healthful dietary choices, or drinking less alcohol. In which case, yeah, you should! But notice when the sentiments quickly slide into feelings of regret, annoyance, guilt, shame. Be cognizant of when an “I should” feels unsettling, as if you are aiming to fulfill someone else’s or society’s expectations of you rather than doing what you really want to be doing.

And when that happens, try this adaptive strategy: replace the vocabulary in your should statements and see how the newly crafted statements resonate. “I should take on that new project at work” becomes “I want to take on that new project at work.” “I shouldn’t spend so much time on social media” becomes “I would like to spend less time on social media.” “I shouldn’t feel so frustrated and sad” translates to “I feel so frustrated and sad.” Often the reframing is more encouraging, aspirational, and honest.

Now, should isn’t the only word I propose we toss into the trash heap. There are other words that over the years I have learned to hate… like yes (oh I so love doling out a deliciously satisfying no!), sorry (why do we apologize so much for everything, and ladies, I’m looking at you…), and because (I have a nasty tendency to explain things that don’t merit explaining.). More on all these words in a future dispatch.

And so in this year of milestones - 50 and 25 are wondrous numbers indeed - I’m reflecting on the shoulds and the wants, what I’ve accomplished, and where I go from here. I’m trying to observe with honesty when I feel that gnawing in my belly when something doesn’t sit right. And I hunt for those opportunities which genuinely deliver the most energy and joy, which contribute to the greatest sense of peace and serenity. And whether 2024 proves to be a year that questions or a year that answers (probably a little bit of both…), I will remind myself that, like Tracy Chapman sings, “me, myself, I got nothing to prove.” Nothing to prove, but lots yet to accomplish!